The Pooch vs. Paunch Plan
I recently read a piece touting a new way to lose weight: buy a dog. Having recently purchased one, I was elated. However, after further research (i.e. one year of puppy ownership), I can assure you that this may not be the preferred weight loss plan for most people.
Some things to consider before launching the pooch vs. paunch plan:
1. Dogs are ALIVE. You want a walking partner? Get a treadmill. Dogs require care. They need food, water, new leather furniture to chew on, underwear to drag through the house while you’re entertaining, and special shampoo to remove the stench from whatever they’ve rummaged through when you leave them outside to catch the phone. Add to To-Do list: Buy a portable phone.
2. Dogs don’t speak English. Or at least mine doesn’t. I figure since she’s a dachshund, she must only speak German, because no matter how many times I explain something to her, she tilts her head until one ear flops on the floor and gives me that “I’m too cute and adorable to potty outside” look. Thus far, the only English word she responds to is “cheese.” We can’t even say the word anymore and have been reduced to spelling. I’d hoped my days of communicating to my husband one letter at a time had passed when our youngest child completed kindergarten.
3. Dogs have teeth and toenails. Didn’t I already mention new leather furniture? ‘Nuff said.
4. Dogs don’t come when you call them. Well, maybe some dogs might, but mine doesn’t. I guess when you put that into the perspective of using a dog as a weight loss tool, having the little beast run four and a half miles in hopes of catching a butterfly every time you open the front door could come in handy. Who knew a puppy with 2-inch legs could outrun a racehorse? Add to To-do list: Buy a leash and make sure new portable phone has enough gigahertz to reach Quebec.
5. Dogs can’t eat table scraps. Vet’s orders. Remember the days when we could sneak any questionable cuisine under the table to Fido? At our “new puppy visit,” the vet cautioned us that the fastest way to kill Miss-I’m-too-cute-and-adorable-to-potty-outside would be to feed her whatever we eat. Does that concern anyone but me? She must have been listening through some sort of miraculous vet-to-dog internal interpreter, (remember, she doesn’t understand English — otherwise she’d do what I tell her, right?), because she begs constantly but refuses to eat any morsels tossed toward her. Except for cheese. So…forget any thoughts of pawning off your plate’s excess to the pooch. I guess serving smaller portions would work.
I’m sure the whole point of the “buy a dog” business is to encourage exercise, but after chasing after her for an hour and a half during every outdoor excursion, I’m just too tired to take her for a walk.
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