Overweight & Underorganized

During the pre-diet euphoric stage, I often browse through the dozens of diet books that line the shelves of Barnes & Noble in hopes of finding “the perfect diet.”

Have you ever read any diet books? They’re pretty much all alike. The first half of each book is spent discussing why one should diet. I can answer that question with two words: I’m fat! I suppose diet book editors specified a word-count range, so the authors fluff up section one with topics that attempt to scare the reader into dieting, such as “The Psychological Effects Caused by No Longer Being Able to Clothes off the Rack.”

The second half of most diet books is filled with recipes. I love recipes. I love cookbooks. Normally, this would be my favorite portion of the book, however, diet books are filled with useless recipes for dishes like “Braised Asparagus Spears Smothered with Watercress, Caper, and Alfalfa Dressing.” Does that sound appetizing to you? My goats might eat it, but I’ll take a burrito supreme!

So, if you’re in the market for the “perfect” diet book, save your money. There aren’t any.

I suppose dieting is my weakness, but there’s more than one way to shed a pound. I choose (drum roll…) exercise! I doubt if I’ll sign up for another aerobics class, though. The last time I attended a high-impact class, I huffed and puffed enough to make the Big Bad Wolf jealous. The guy next to me yelled, “Are you okay?”

“Do you know CPR?” I panted.

When he shook his head, I stumbled over to the exit and never looked back. Since that day, my only form of exercise has been searching for my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot. But I recently joined the local Curves. They’re in the process of changing the name to “Bulges” now.